The Sweetest Gifts

Yesterday I turned fifty years old. That's five zero. Five decades. Gone. Just like that. My favorite pastor on the planet used to say that parenting is made up of long days and short years, and he was right. But I think life in general is, too.

My husband and my girls surprised me with a sweet gathering of family and friends, and it was perhaps the best gift I've ever received. Not just the party, which made me feel like I was actually living in a Hallmark movie for a couple of hours, but the revelations that came both during and after. Let me try to explain.

Last night I stepped into a room filled with people I love. Some have been with me since the beginning of my life, some since the first decade, the second, and so on. It was overwhelming and beautiful and I cried immediately. But as I stood in the doorway and glanced around the room, I realized tears were flowing because I was seeing my life in front of me. Each decade filled with a different set of joys and sorrows. Each with its own sunshine and rain. And I could see the gifts, the people God had graciously given to me for each part of the journey. 

Most of us have family and friends who have walked through seasons with us. Joyous seasons. Difficult seasons. They've laughed with us, cried with us, supported and cared for us in so many ways. But there was something about seeing so many of my people gathered under one roof last night. It was like I could hear the Lord gently saying, "See. I have always been with you." As I walked around the room and hugged each one, a sense of gratitude washed over me with every touch. The Lord provides.

As if the gathering weren't enough, many wrote cards, notes, even letters to me, sharing how my life has impacted theirs in some way. My family collected them and placed them in a beautiful book, and when I returned home, I sat down on our couch and read them all. Every. Single. Word. And it's no secret I love words: reading them, writing them, sharing them one-on-one. So this gift brought more tears. So many more tears. And it brought another gentle whisper from the Lord. You are loved. 

I think for the first time in my entire life, I heard those words, and really believed them. 

That may sound dramatic (or ridiculous), but if I am being honest, it is true. I have lived most of my days trying to earn love in one way or another, both from God and the people in my life. That mission mindset was certainly not something intentionally taught to me, but it somehow became my perception of how I was supposed to exist, how I could survive, in this world. It wasn't reality, but it was my reality. That may resonate with some of you, and it is why I share these words today. What I realized last night was the real truth, His truth. I am loved. And so are you.

I did not earn this love. I definitely do not deserve this love. So incredibly far from it. But He gifted it to me anyway. And He he offers it as a gift to you, too. 

The proof sat right there on my lap. As I read the pages in front of me, I realized immediately that my family and friends were not writing about me. They were writing about the Lord, about what He has done in me. What I slowly began to recognize was that they were seeing me like He sees me. And I was undone.

It is only by His amazing grace that others could live this life with me and still write these words about me, about what they have seen in me. I could give you my book, and if Jesus lives in you, if you've asked Him to come into your heart, you could read the same words about yourself, and believe them. Because they aren't about us at all. They are about Him. Things like wisdom and compassion, kindness and humility. So very far from what I see or feel or experience day-to-day. Despite all my mistakes, my shortcomings, my sins, and my failures, He lives in me and reveals Himself to others through me. There is no other possible way to explain what I read on those pages. Trust me. I know me. 

I have sought the Lord for years, but I still have absolutely no idea why He does what He does; His ways are not our ways. I have prayed so many prayers throughout my life. Some He chose to answer in the way I asked, and some He did not. But as I looked around that room and then read those notes, I finally gained somewhat of an understanding of just how much our Heavenly Father loves and cares for each of us. And the lens through which He chooses to see us is not anything like ours, but is that of His one and only Son. 

I am so thankful to be beginning this next phase of my life's journey with a new narrative, a right narrative, a Jesus narrative reigning in my mind, in my soul. For as long as I can remember, I have lived life feeling I could never be enough. And that is partly true. On my own, I can't. But He is enough.

It only took me fifty years to see that because of Him, I am enough. And so are you.