Space for Grace

Grace. Space.

This is my space to experience His grace. It's my place to process and share what's rolling around in my head, to try to put into words all the things I'm feeling or experiencing. And then to look up and point myself (and anyone else who tags along) back to Him. This past week? That's been quite a challenge because of such a crazy mixture of emotions: more joy than I ever dreamed possible, deeper sadness than I've ever known, overwhelming fear, and even some grief that caught me by surprise.

More sunshine and rain. Life.

I composed the first post for this little blog while sitting in a chair in a hospital room listening to my sister-in-law make all the calls to tell all the people that the treatments would be stopped; they were no longer working. That happened right on the heels of my daughter's engagement.

Sunshine and rain.

I needed space. And it came in the form of words, words that gushed as if from a fountain. And periodically since then, that same urge has washed over me, more words have flowed, and I've returned...for space. Room to experience His grace. I guess I need more of both again today.

Three years ago...

I sat in a church and watched two young people commit to spend the rest of their lives together before God. I was SO happy for Adam and Mollie. Mollie and my daughter grew up together, so Mollie is just part of our family. Tears of joy streamed down my face, and then it happened. Tears began streaming uncontrollably, but no longer tears of joy. Tears of sadness began to roll, because just a month prior, I sat in a hospital room with my daddy and heard the dreaded diagnosis. I listened as the doctor literally pronounced a timeline of single-digit months remaining for him. The tears at the wedding were for what (it seemed) would be impossible - for my dad to see his granddaughter make that same beautiful walk to the altar one day. That was definitely a sunshine and rain kind of day.

Fast forward three years...

I just witnessed the most precious day of my daughter's life, and my daddy was right there with me. Tears streamed once again, but this time tears of gratitude and thanksgiving and celebration. I will never get over the miracle He chose to give in allowing my dad to be at Leanna's wedding. It was magical, like the most beautiful dream.

Now go back again...

Three years ago I would have never imagined that my sister-in-law would not be here to see this day, to celebrate with us, to give me advice on what dress to buy, shoes to wear, or what to do with my hair. She was perfectly fine three years ago. And then one day...she wasn't.

So while the wedding day was beautiful, there was a little rain, too. I thought of  Linda and of how much she would have loved being there, of how she would have shown love in a gazillion ways by helping out with all the things. She would've had the biggest smile on her face as she watched the day unfold and the loudest laugh when she saw the kids on the dance floor. I miss that smile and that laugh so very much. I miss her so very much.

On top of all that? Corona...what?!? How in the world did we get here? No school, no dining out, no visiting friends, no toilet paper...what is happening? And...my baby girl moved away (of course...duh), but I didn't expect the grief that washed over me as I watched her drive away. She's not moving far, but still...

I don't know.

And I think that's part of the point. I don't know...only He does. And I'm learning to be more and more thankful for that reality. If I had the ability to see how the last three years would unfold or how the next three might, I probably wouldn't be standing. I'd most likely be hiding.

So I'm thankful that only He knows it all. Only He holds it all.
I cannot control one thing - not really. And there is great freedom in that reality. The pressure is somehow off. Space for grace.

Here's the Truth: We are His. The world is His. Whatever the beginning, middle, and end look like for any of us - they are all His.

So let's remind one another that we are loved, we are held, and that no matter what...we belong to Him. Let's live each day with Him and stop fighting Him for control. May we find rest for our weary, overwhelmed, fearful souls in Him and trust that He is working for our good. Whether the sun is shining or it's pouring rain.

My favorite quote these days:

"We live in the strong and unshakable kingdom of God. The kingdom of God is not in trouble, and neither are you." 

James Bryan Smith
Things Above podcast